Without YOU

Have you ever had a panic attack? I never have, until I woke up on Aug 3 a year after you left this world. I woke up about 5 am (the same time I left to go to the hospital a year ago to pray and hope for good news). I dozed back to sleep and woke up around 7 and could not breath or move. I thought about that day and how I was praying in the parking lot and the nurse told me during your morning report you “didn’t look good”. She said I could come up (which I knew was not a good sign). When I got through all of the check points and weird looks I dressed out head to toe in haz mat suit, which I thought was really stupid since I had had Covid and had spent the 3 days before I took you to the hospital with you in our bedroom. I understood policies and if its what I had to do to see you I would do whatever I needed to.

In the room you had all the machines etc. but all I saw was the man I married 30 years ago, the father of our 2 sons and how much I loved you and wanted you to be OK and open your eyes!! As a nurse I could see, unfortunately, what your nurse was talking about. She asked if I could call anyone to be with me but I did not have my freaking phone and no one knows anyone’s numbers anymore. Luckily I was able to remember Amanda’s and she was at work right down the street so I called her shaking. She threw up in the parking lot before leaving the hospital she was working at and a friend drove her. She called both of our parents on the way, and arranged to get the boys. When she got there and walked into the room, looked at your monitor I could tell she knew. Your organs were shutting down. Your mom arrived to the hospital, Amanda left to find her and as I held your hand you slipped quietly away.

My whole world closed in on me and I didn’t know what to do. How could this happen, we always said we could get through anything together and now I was ALONE.

Your mom came in but I was too numb to even remember anything else. She left and I just sat there trying to figure out how to tell the boys. The Chaplin, Inez (which I had known from working at Baylor, dressed out so she could hug me and get me through the immediate task of walking out of the room). We went to a chapel at the hospital where the family was to tell them. I pulled the boys aside and told them some how.

After leaving the hospital I got a call when I was only a couple of blocks away saying someone posted on FB about you passing. ARE U F-ING serious!! So it was a mad dash as driving trying to call who we could and let them know from us instead of them finding out that way. (the reason I shut down FB)

We got home (me, Gavin, and Greyson) and an image I still can not get out of my head is Gavin throwing himself onto the hood of your police car. The boys were not able to go to the hospital room to see you, it had been a month, even though we did zoom calls it was something they probably still do not understand.

After comforting the boys I walked into the house thinking now???? Then I looked outside and saw about 10 police cars outside waiting for us. (Ever since you had been in the hospital 24/7 there was a police car outside our house).

I called Resthaven with the help of the officers to make arrangements somehow (is still a fog). What I do remember is that they arranged several cars for us and immediate family to pick you up from the hospital to take you to the funeral home. PJ blocked traffic on his motorcycle (with a purpose!), traffic stopped, cars pulled over, officers, fire and people lined the freeways and streets in your honor. But all I could think about was the man I married at 18, the man that I grew up with, my best friend, and father of our 2 boys, our rock was gone!

So Tues (a year later) when I woke up again I thought, I have been through many different stressful situations, but I have NEVER had a panic attack, if that is what it was. Maybe it was just knowing that after that day I could never say “a year ago we….”???, or knowing in about an hour the police officers would be here to honor you with a broadcast over the radio for a moment of silence, or knowing it has actually been a F-ING year and you are NO LONGER HERE WITH US!!

I got up, got the boys up, received the door dash coffee and donuts (had to with the officers coming- guess was at least for humor), got dressed. I was so thankful the guys were here with us and let us hear the broadcast and loved on us (this one was not like when your last call radio broadcast was done at the gravesite, They had a hard time finding someone to even be able to get through it). There is NO way we could have gotten through this first year without the support from our Family, the Department, Officers, O-Wives, Friends, Rockwall ISD Friends and Community!

The day was filled with flower delivery’s, lunch, Grave Side Toast- (w a new Port Casks from TX), another visit and toast and a lovely dinner at Bin, your favorite. I was trying to get through the day (because I still couldn’t believe it was F-ING REAL!). Hence the reason I am just writing this 3 days later!

I spent the next day on the phone with Insurance (STILL) and can’t remember what else for the last 2 days. I felt a little exhausted but have not done anything.

Greyson and I hit golf balls yesterday (was fun), then went to dinner with a good friend. Gavin is MIA but answers me when I txt or call and comes home when he is supposed to (is his way of getting through so I am giving him space).

I posted a picture from the funeral and questioned doing it but looking at our faces you could see the hurt and devastation we felt and I thought it spoke louder than any words.

I went to your gravesite today to clean up the wilted flowers since its about 100 degrees out!! It was covered again and shows how much you are loved. The boys and I are SO lucky you left such a legacy. I still love driving around and seeing your signs still up in yards in our neighborhood and throughout the city.

As I sit here and can smell the aroma of the beautiful flowers that were sent I think of the amazing man you were and how much I miss being able to talk to you.

All for now,

Love you more

A