How do I go on, everyone is posting first day of school pictures smiling (which is wonderful and I love to see them) and inside I keep thinking, don’t they know you are gone?! How can people just go about their normal day without you being here?!
I know that is not realistic but in my world everything has stopped, been turned upside down and will never be the same!
Today was a hard day, new school year. You always took The boys in your Patrol Car on your way to work, made sure to walk him in so you could say Hi to everyone (because everyone knew you!) and see Greyson off (he was so proud of you and that time together). It also helped the school bully’s know who Greysons dad was so watch it lol. You would then head to the High School with Gavin (since he wasn’t driving yet). All our friends and most parents, teachers and staff of the High School felt safer because you were there (they always told me that anyway)
That is how felt every day for 30 years being married to you. I always felt safe. I knew you would protect us. I miss that security blanket.
After I dropped off Greyson I went to visit you like I usually do, prayed, chatted, read the daily devotional and sat. Sat and listened and just looked at your marker in disbelief that your name is on it.
As I sit here listening to the rain and typing I think about how proud you would be seeing the boys. Greysons decided to play football and I know you would have loved going to the games and seeing that!
I think that is what hurts so much, not being able to share these experiences with you here by my side.
You would be happy we did our Chiloso first day of school breakfast (although, I picked it up instead of dine in because I knew I would see so many and didn’t want to break down there, and of course I saw one of the officers as I was leaving, we chatted and was able to hold it together “kinda”).
Last years first day of school was a blur and I still don’t know how I got through it, today was numbing, bittersweet, challenging and exciting all at once.
The boys and look forward to this year.
I miss you SO much and feel you here with us. A friend asked how my heart is doing (since I have had BP issues and they ordered studies) I told her is broken but they didn’t see anything much and think it is related to post-Covid.
It is one of those hard days remembering how it was before you were gone. The rain is perfect for my mood. You were my person and I miss our normal.
Love You More
Amy